Category: Life

MotIvatIon

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I found motivation for writing so I am pretty stoked. 365 questions, one per day. Yay!

I found the questions at the site of, “Get It Scrapped! Tami Taylor 365 Questions – a five year journal.” 

Today’s is for the 16th: Did you seize any opportunities?

I guess small things are better than no things. I took advantage of some extra time and paid my car payment. I bought expensive envelopes ($3.99 for 45 #10 security) because they were out of the lick ones at CVS/Longs.  For some crazy reason I let the Dr. schedule an appointment for a mammogram tomorrow, Friday. I called the mammogram people and told them if they were going to press my b**bs in that scary ass machine I couldn’t deal with it tomorrow. So I postponed it for another week and will ask my Dr. for something to help me deal. Lastly, I did all my laundry. I live in an apartment building and we only have 3 washers and 4 dryers for a lot of people, it’s rare when there is no one in the laundry room.

The photo is the view off of my lanai. It’s Kawainui Marsh and vog around the mountains. 

Turning my frown upside down.

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My motto used to be, “life sucks and then you die”. My goal in life used to be getting on disability so I could just drink and people would leave me alone.  I used to go to different doctors to try to get Valium or Xanax and when that didn’t work, I’d order them online and they’d come from overseas.  One day I remember a pill delivery was coming and I missed the guy at the door (I probably passed out). I found the note on the door, ran out to the street and saw him, I literally ran to catch him. This was towards the end of  a couple decades of drinking alcohol on a daily basis for no other purpose than staying drunk, I guess. I was bitter all the time.

After I quit drinking I felt excited every morning for about two years simply because I was waking up without a headache or spending most of the morning in the bathroom vomiting. I had skip in my step. Then slowly the bitterness came back.  I wasn’t drinking but was angry, I wasn’t happy with my environment.  I lived in Seattle and I am uncomfortable in cold weather and when the sky is grey for weeks at a time, I just am pissed all the time because of the  the weather.  I would wake up, watch the news and the weather report would predict my day. Needless to say usually it was bad.

Now it’s about nine years later and even though I live in Hawaii now,  I really have to work on being positive.  I mean, for me – it’s like a full time job. I think I just realized last year that every thought I’m thinking is very important.  Telling myself I’m stupid for forgetting something is not going to make me smarter. It just makes me feel bad and the universe will give me an invisible dunce cap. If I get into a bad mood for any reason, like a shoelace breaking and think to myself: great, the day is ruined, most likely things will go bad the rest of the day. Once I am in a bad mood it’s so hard to get out but it’s my decision to make the change.  I can do it if I try and if I want to be happy, that’s what I want to be and reflect it on others.

Illegal fireworks, I think not!

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This is the second year at our current apartment. Last year we* sort of saw the fireworks in Honolulu through the Ko’olau mountains. This year it was insane, they started early.  Loud ass booms that seriously made me scream and jump. My neighbors** were lighting them off in the parking lot next door. They had been selling fireworks out of the back of their white Bronco (which has tags that expired in 2015) so they had a ton of them. Our back window looks over the parking lot and we are on the third floor so I’m always checking out what’s going on out there.

Anyway, they started early and lit off a ton of fireworks.  I was sitting on our bed working and the smell of sulfur totally came up into our place. I seriously thought my clothes were going to smell. At midnight we went onto the lanai and watched a bunch go off and by 12:30am, it was quiet. I guess you can get a permit to light them even though they are illegal.

Today was uneventful. We went out to get coffee and all the food places were full of people. I live with my boyfriend in a beach town where tourists visit. Most of the year is busy but winter and summer especially. The town is growing and new stores are opening (and closing) often. I love living here because I feel comfortable being far away from the dog-eat-dog environment on the mainland. In our last place here we didn’t even lock our front door.  That’s not saying nothing happens here, theft is huge, especially cars (on an island!?) there are a ton of homless and mentally ill people roaming and living on the streets because there are no facilities for them. They shut them down and meanwhile (I read somewhere yesterday) welfare recipients here average $29 per hour and the state minimum wage just got raised to $9.25 per hour. It was $8.25!!!  I have never lived in a place where the state is so sloppily run before but I enjoy the weather and people are beyond friendly.

I am going to prepare for tomorrows work day so I start the new year off right. I’m glad I woke up today. I have a place to live, a positive bank account and food in my fridge. A lot more than some people have.

*When I say we I am referring to my live with boyfriend, Dallas.  We’ve been together about 9 years even though I am still married to someone else. We broke up way before I met Dallas and have both been lazy about the divorce.

**I have a bunch because I live in an apartment building. These particular neighbors we call the hillbillies because they have a dad, two adult children, a girlfriend and 4 kids living in a large studio. The mom used to live with them but she left about 6 months ago. My landlord  knows but he likes to help people and they are saving to move. They had the money but got robbed. That’s a whole ‘nother story.

Bye 2016!

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This wasn’t a bad year for me, it wasn’t great. I survived another year, it went by quickly.  I feel like I am still in early 2016. At least I am not alone, a lot of older folks say the same thing. I read the  Scientific American blog about time and it makes sense.

I was shorted on time because I drank a lot. I lost about twenty years and I brought it all on myself.  Major events happened, people died and I had no clue. I quit drinking when I was 42 and it’s been quite interesting since then, probably because I remember!  Every year I feel better so I hope 2017 will continue that way.

I decided to start documenting my journey because it was a suggestion from my beautiful mom, Aaltje. She died May 1st, 2014  at 72 after a 6 year fight with ovarian cancer, worst day of my life.

I like to put things off and I will be working on changing that, it will definitely help with stress & guilty thoughts taking up space in my little brain. Being proactive will also benefit my job, my health and relationships. Writing daily will help with accountability, even if just a few words.

I’m sure a lot of people will be out partying this evening, should be interesting to see and hear fireworks.  They allow fireworks here if you have a permit, I am actually surprised I haven’t heard a lot up to this point.  I park on the street so I am always concerned about random stuff hitting my car.  Be careful everyone, lots of drinking and driving going on out there.

What’s going on with me today?

The sign that points to the police station now says police navidad, haha!! I should have got a photo.

I have been taking Sertraline (Zoloft) for a few years and it’s done what it’s supposed to do (help the real me come out). I was on 100mg and am now down to 50mg.  I did a 25mg taper as suggested by my Dr from 75mg to 50mg, it’s been a week and so far withdrawal symptoms haven’t been as bad as I have read about. Only headaches and some agitation that hasn’t been helped with all this rain. A week and so far so good. I am going to stay on 50mgs for a couple of weeks and then will go to 25mg. Today is actually the first day I haven’t had a headache and I really appreciate that.

I’m cold. It’s probably in the low 70’s but I am in an apartment 3 floors up so that doesn’t help.  It’s been the wettest, coldest winter by far since I’ve lived here.

I had a nice morning, went and did a little shopping and stopped for a nice photo opportunity on the way home.  Oh and Obama is here in my little big town.  We’ve actually had cops at the run-for-your-life cross walk!  They are only here when the President is here, so lame. Screw the pedestrians the rest of the year.

It’s 12/31 so we will be going to get $1.31 ice cream, yay!!

Happy New Year!

 

 

 

 

 

McDonald’s

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Usually I look at Facebook in the morning when I wake up.  Today one of my friends had posted a video that was taken “behind the scenes” of McDonald’s. It was a factory in Frenso where they make all the burgers.  I guess they are doing a Q & A to show what’s in their food.

I don’t eat at McDonald’s anymore unless there is no where else to get coffee or I have to use their bathroom.  I have been vegetarian for about 26 years, except for a short period when I first met my current man. It was the honeymoon phase and he still ate meat so I did too.  I started to get those familiar pains in my chest soon and felt like shit so I stopped eating meat again.  My dad died at 60 of arteriosclerosis, that is another reason why I changed my diet.

After I watched a little of the McDonald’s Q and A, my mind wandered back to the 70’s when my mom would take me to McDonald’s after she got off of work. I’d always get a happy meal and she would get the same but not as the “happy meal” and she’d always get McDonaldland cookies. She loved those ones that were in the box, I don’t think they sell them anymore. She would always finish her fries and try to eat some of mine and I would get so mad.

In 2013 my  mom came to live with me after I had moved to Kailua on the island of Oahu. She now had ovarian cancer, it had come back for the second time and I didn’t want to be away from her but I also didn’t want to move to Seattle where she lived.  I was surprised at how frail she was when she came and I was surprised I had taken this sort of “mom” role with her. I am an only child and never had kids so it’s really interesting to look back and see how I was frantic most of the time.  If she stayed out late and I couldn’t get a hold of her, I’d go out and start looking for her.  I would tell her what she could and couldn’t eat, especially fast food. I hooked her up with this older dude I knew from an AA meeting who was her age and they got along really well.  They’d go to Waikiki together, take the bus up to the North Shore and just hung out so she wasn’t so lonely when I was working.

One day I got home from work and Dallas, my boyfriend, who also just got home told me he just saw my mom and her friend at McDonald’s. I almost lost it but then I was like….what am I doing? I don’t know how long she’ll be with us – she should be having the time of her life – and I started to let go. My mom died on May 1, 2014. She was with me and Dallas, in our little home in Kailua.  Worst day of my life and nothing in the world can hurt me anymore because that was the absolute worst thing that has ever and that will ever happen to me.

Perspective Helps.

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Every time Dallas goes into the kitchen to cook I hear him say how thankful he is for our pots and pans.  It’s because when we moved from our last place to our current place we got rid of a lot of stuff, pots and pans included.  It seems like since we lived here (Oahu) it’s been feast or famine.  After we moved we were broke and a friend gave us a small frying pan and a huge pot.  We had been using them since November and we just got a new 16 pc  set a month ago.  Thank you, Rianna!  Cooking more than one thing had to be planned carefully or some foods we just didn’t cook.  I’m happy too because I get to eat a lot more variety.  I am so glad we are thankful for the little things like pots and pans.  Don’t get me wrong, I’d be stoked if  could be thankful for other things, like financial security and one day I will be, but for now – it is what it is.  I saw on social media earlier that Kendall & Kylie Jenner got matching Ferrari Spiders and it made me giggle, I wonder what they’re thankful for?

9.24.16 dream.

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I love it when either my mom or dad is in my dream.  I can’t recall ever having one with them together.  They died about 14 years apart and had been divorced since about 1973.

This one was such a trip though.  I was at my dad’s house on Gentry in Hermosa Beach and we had a home invasion.  My dad kept rifles in his closet so I grabbed one to shoot, I remember him giving me the bullets but when I went to shoot nothing happened!! Three times I tried to shoot and the invader (can’t remember if it was a chick or a dude, one, two or three) was laughing.  A lot of other stuff happened, it’s always so detailed and I don’t remember because I should have wrote this shit down earlier.

Earlier in the day I saw the home surveillance video of a lady shooting at the people who invaded her home, I’m sure the dream and this are no coincidence.