Zoloft withdrawal complete? Yes. Yay!

I am just looking back at when I wrote last. I started the process of tapering off of Zoloft last year. April 4 was my first day completely off.  May was horrible.  I thought with the year taper it wouldn’t be that bad.  I was so wrong.  I felt like shit most days. I couldn’t jump, run, or hike. I was nauseous all the time. If I moved too quickly, especially my head it was like my brain couldn’t keep up with the movement.  My body hurt and I didn’t think I would ever feel better again.  Thank goodness I do. I started on 25 mg of Zoloft and worked my way up to 150 mg over the course of about 3 years. Then I started my taper, it was about 10% less per month I took.  I started taking Zoloft at the suggestion of my shrink.  I was so sad all the time, couldn’t get out of bed. Thought I was going to die every moment of the day.  Zoloft helped me not feel that way anymore and so far, those feelings haven’t come back.

I told my doctor I was doing the taper so she prescribed Wellbutrin to help with the withdrawal.  Unfuckingbelievable. The bad part is I am taking it so now I want to get off of it as well.  The lame thing is that I am on the extended release pills and I can’t just cut them down to taper.  Apparently, if you cut them in 1/2 they are no longer extended release and that jacks everything up.  So I will be making a trip to the doctor to let her know that was the worst I have felt on a daily basis since I quit drinking. I wonder how much of a kick back they get from the pharmaceutical companies? This time if she suggests something else I will decline.  I am doing pretty good with fish oil and Ashwagandha.  It should be interesting how she recommends I taper off Wellbutrin.

The paper lady has been a lot quieter but she’s still out there every morning and could give no shits about what the landlord says or if she is bothering anyone. It sucks too because our landlord is so nice. This woman once paid her rent in $1 bills and I know her rent is at least $1300.  They have a couple kids living in their studio and they are not in school for some reason.  I saw her coming in the other day, it was still dark but it was about 6 am and she had 2 extra large candy bars in her hand.  I don’t have any kids but I don’t think it’s a good example to set for your grandkids that candy bars are good for breakfast, especially if they are sturdy in the first place.

We decided we’re gonna move. Not because of the neighbors but we’re going back to the mainland.  More of everything over there. If I were 25 years younger living here would be ok but I am not.  I want to be able to drive more than 50 miles to get somewhere. I want to be able to shop online and not see the *we don’t ship to Hawaii or *prices do not apply if you’re in Hawaii.  I want to live somewhere where it’s not so expensive. I can’t save anything and it sucks.  Also, I seem to be complaining a lot lately and it’s because I am unhappy.  Soon it will change.





Apartment Life

We moved into our apartment building 11/2015.  I love it here. It’s close to everything in town and it’s a very interesting community.  This was a last minute find, we were 30 minutes away from signing a lease in Honolulu.  I told our previous landlady, Jen we were on our way to sign the lease in Honolulu and she almost had a coronary.  She wanted us to stay in Kailua and so did we.  She had me hop in her minivan and we drove down the street to the building her mom lives in.  Jeff, the building owner was in and after Jen talked to him for a few minutes we had a place to live. Our place is small but we have a large lanai that looks over Kailua Marsh and the Ko’olau mountains. The rent is also $600 less than we were paying before and water is included. Jeff is a great guy and helps out a lot of people. Some of the people he rents to are people who have fallen on hard times and need some help to get them back on their feet. There are also some really old folks, it’s not unusual to see an ambulance. We also have a few people that are not supposed to be drinking.  All in all, we have a lot of interesting people who live here. We have given some of the people nicknames because we don’t know their real names. The apartments are small 1 bedroom places, some have lanais and the ones that don’t have a little more space inside. We get along well with everyone and Jeff tells us we are his “normal” tenants.

The apartments are small 1 bedroom places, some have lanais and the ones that don’t have a little more space inside. We get along well with everyone and Jeff tells us we are his “normal” tenants. We don’t complain, we are quiet and we pay our rent on time.

A couple weeks ago Jeff asked if I could move my parking space down one, closer to the street. Everyone who was parked moved their space over to leave an open spot because he needed to have a spot for handicap parking.  The wife of the guy on the bottom floor who was parked on the other side of the building moved her car into the handicap space. She uses a cane and she is a rather large lady, super jovial and friendly.

All was well until one morning last week.  Our bedroom overlooks the parking lot and on this particular morning, I was woken up about 3:15 am by rustling outside the window. We are on the 3rd floor so noise carries. I look out the window and see our friend, in her minivan putting newspapers into plastic bags. A few minutes later, ding, ding, ding from the car door because her seat belt isn’t on. I know she has a paper route. We used to see her on Saturday night (on the other side) getting the papers ready for the next day. The next morning, I have woken up again. Same rustling and the freaking car door ding.

So the next day I see my neighbor Steven, his apartment is on the ground floor, the nose of her car is facing his windows. He looked like shit and let me know he had been woken up every morning because she sits in her front seat and puts the papers in plastic bags and then takes off to do her route. He also told me he asked her if she could do the papers the night before or park somewhere else to put them in the plastic. He also told me (and Jeff confirmed) that they only reason she had to move her car is because the neighbor on the other side complained about the same thing.  He asked her if she could go back to doing the papers the night before. She didn’t. He ended up having to get a restraining order and the cops came out to serve it and that’s why she’s now parked on our side.  I am in shock because I can’t believe someone, who we thought was a nice person would be such an asshole. She has NO intent of moving her car in the morning and won’t do it the night before. Saturday the papers were in the car all day and Sunday morning at 3:15 am she is at it again.  She told Jeff she “doesn’t give a rat’s ass” if it bothers anyone.

I am not sure what we are going to do. We may have to do the restraining order too. It’s unbelievable to me that she is so disrespectful.  Her adult daughter and grandchild are living with her and her husband. Great job on being an example.  I am a food broker and I have given her and her family so much free food over the past year.  Now it just makes me angry so I try to avoid seeing these people and it sucks because her husband is so nice.



Turning my frown upside down.

My motto used to be, “life sucks and then you die”. My goal in life used to be getting on disability so I could just drink and people would leave me alone.  I used to go to different doctors to try to get Valium or Xanax and when that didn’t work, I’d order them online and they’d come from overseas.  One day I remember a pill delivery was coming and I missed the guy at the door (I probably passed out). I found the note on the door, ran out to the street and saw him, I literally ran to catch him. This was towards the end of  a couple decades of drinking alcohol on a daily basis for no other purpose than staying drunk, I guess. I was bitter all the time.

After I quit drinking I felt excited every morning for about two years simply because I was waking up without a headache or spending most of the morning in the bathroom vomiting. I had skip in my step. Then slowly the bitterness came back.  I wasn’t drinking but was angry, I wasn’t happy with my environment.  I lived in Seattle and I am uncomfortable in cold weather and when the sky is grey for weeks at a time, I just am pissed all the time because of the  the weather.  I would wake up, watch the news and the weather report would predict my day. Needless to say usually it was bad.

Now it’s about nine years later and even though I live in Hawaii now,  I really have to work on being positive.  I mean, for me – it’s like a full time job. I think I just realized last year that every thought I’m thinking is very important.  Telling myself I’m stupid for forgetting something is not going to make me smarter. It just makes me feel bad and the universe will give me an invisible dunce cap. If I get into a bad mood for any reason, like a shoelace breaking and think to myself: great, the day is ruined, most likely things will go bad the rest of the day. Once I am in a bad mood it’s so hard to get out but it’s my decision to make the change.  I can do it if I try and if I want to be happy, that’s what I want to be and reflect it on others.