Sun’s out and so is my smile!

Went for a bike ride on my new bike!

My thoughts are negative a lot and I don’t like to share that shit. I think talking about the struggle is a little different and easier for me. I got to share about it a little with a co worker the other day. She also mentioned she’s glad she takes medication so she doesn’t have to deal with it. I told her I didn’t like medication because it made me gain a ton of weight and that made me even more depressed or the struggle of getting off of the medication but in the end thought I had was how grateful I was to not be on SSRIs anymore.

So I started thinking about gratitude and how passionate I was about my gratitude back in Vegas and how come I don’t have that same passion for gratitude. We moved and we are definitely not making as much money as we were before and things have been a struggle. On the other hand, we’ve only been here a short time and have jobs and a place to live. I just got a bike the other day so I can ride around all the bike paths at my doorstep. The sun has been out since June started so that’s been a great help on my outlook as I open my eyes. My bf, my health and friends. I could go on and on about things I am thankful for. So, what’s missing?

This morning it hit me and I started cracking up. I always started my “gratitude prayer” (which was addition to writing a list, I need to start that again too) started with – being grateful that I was alive!!! It was so scary to me in Vegas everyday I just was happy to make it through the day. No joke!

I’ll go write my list now.

SAD and Sad.

I have and I am. I am sad a lot. I miss my mom and dad. They both died – at different times. I missed a lot of my life because I chose to drink instead of living it. I took antidepressants for a while, I didn’t like what they were doing and was afraid of the long term effects after researching them. Now I use natural supplements and they work most of the time, lately not so much.

It’s difficult. Especially now in a new environment. It’s baffling to me how the weather makes such a difference in my mood. It always has though. Today the sun is out and I feel pretty good. This week it snowed then turning into rain most of the week and it’s cold and I’ve been bitter. I just want to lay on the couch and think about all the things I don’t have. I don’t want to do any of the things that will make me feel better about myself. I think about the past and all the things I have done that are mistakes and why did I move? Every freaking day a battle in my brain. It’s tiring and I don’t like it.

But – Today I feel better and the sun is out for now. I have a job, a place to live, food in my fridge, a positive bank account, a kick-ass man who is also my bff, a heater, a yard that I can grown shit in once it stops freezing, amazing friends and family, cannabis and all the little things I have held on to that make me feel good. Oh, I’m healthy! Another really positive thing is I could keep writing about all the things I have gratitude for today so that’s a really good thing!

Leaving Las Vegas! (part 2)

We did it. We saved, we researched, we moved. $2000 and a car full of our most important things. We left Las Vegas at the beginning of April. We are now living in South Lake Tahoe, we have a tiny home in a super cute tiny home community and jobs.

The air is so clean, the water tastes so good and it’s quiet. It is really cold. This morning it was 30 degrees, yesterday we had to scrape snow off of the car. I have never liked the cold but the trade off of feeling safe and just being able to walk down the street and have people say “hi” instead of asking you for money or cigarettes is well worth it to me.

I am so glad that we made the move. People looked at us like we were crazy. Yes, we had good jobs but we were miserable. I see it here, at my current job. Some of the people I work with have lived here and worked at the same place their entire lives. The are a little bitter, to say the least and I am not sure if it’s just because it’s the same shit every day for the last 35 years? I don’t want to be like that. Life is short, if you don’t like something change it.

Our new neighborhood!!!

Is it worry or caring?

Ugh. One thing I do often is worry. I worry about bothering someone who I don’t even know. We are living in a homtel for the month. It’s like a hotel with apartment prices. I haven’t been sleeping well so I wake up early. Quiet time in this place is from 9 am – 9 pm. I blend my coffee in the morning and worry about if I am bothering the people next door. I’ve changed up my entire morning routine because of this. Should I really care so much?

Leaving Las Vegas

I just read my post from December 2017 about being excited about moving here. Now I am writing about being excited to leave! It’s definitely been interesting and I have learned a lot. I also know that I don’t care for living in Las Vegas.

The year had its ups and downs. Today I am going to try and focus on the positive parts and what’s “good” today because I find myself being way to negative lately. I blame it on my environment but I know it boils down to me, how I react to it. I just know, for me personally, my environment has a lot to do with my attitude. It’s a lot easier to be happy when you are happy with your situation – where you live, work, the people you spend time with, what you do with your time and where you spend your time.

So what’s good today is – we’re in a temporary hotel for the month – there was always some sort of issue in the apartment I was living in and we’re staying here till we leave Vegas. My last day at the dispensary was on the 1st of March. I miss my people there and am so grateful for them, I have new life friends. I have a month off to focus on recovering from this year and getting ready for the next part of life. We are moving to a smaller town with trees, water and fresh air. I am beyond excited.

Gallery

I’m glad so many beautiful places are close by.

And it’s because the city can be quite ugly.  I’ve lived in CA, WA, HI and now NV.  This state is the trashiest I’ve been in. A lot of people don’t pick up their dog poop and there are plastic bags all over the place.  I’ve seen people throw trash out their windows driving.  It’s so crazy.

On a happier note, Red Rock Canyon is really close by and we got an annual pass this past week so we will be spending a lot of time here.  It’s super peaceful and the park opens at 6 am so you can go before it starts getting hot.

We hit 100 yesterday for the first time in 2018.  It was hotter than I expected, luckily I was at work all day but when I got out at 7pm it was still yucky hot.

I fulfilled one of my life’s dreams and got a job at a cannabis dispensary, it’s been fun and interesting.  A little different than I expected but it stays quite busy, I am learning lots and I get an employee discount.  Yay!!!!

Moved to Las Vegas!

We’ve been here for almost 2 1/2 months.  I like it mostly but am still getting used to it. It’s more hard-core city than I am used to. It makes me miss Kailua, I felt a lot safer there than I do here. So many homeless people, it’s sad.  We live close to Fremont, DTLV and not far from the strip.  People don’t get up early here and it gets dark at like 4:30pm.   I have yet to drive, serious maniacs on the road, it’s really quite unbelievable.  Like, say I’m in the middle lane and miss a left or right turn I was supposed to make, I would stay in my lane till it was safe to get over and turn around. These motherfuckers will just turn, it doesn’t matter if there’s someone in the lane next to them.  They’ll cut you off so they can get to wherever they are going.  Dog eat fucking dog.  I hate that.  People just straight up use their cell phones, they don’t care who can see.  Some asshole honked at me when I was in a marked crosswalk with lights flashing.  Most cars have a broken tail light. I heard jaywalking was $50 per lane, you’d be surprised because these fuckers cross anywhere, anytime.  I’ve yet to see someone gets ticketed for it, but the police have bigger fish to fry, I am sure.  

I do like that we are close to everything.  Money goes so much further here it’s crazy.  We have a 99 cent store down the street that I like, that place is bizarre.  Every time I go there something very strange happens. People watching on Fremont is fun, I see so many different types of people.  I like the dispensaries.  It’s nice to not be sweating 24/7 and everything isn’t damp all the time.  The sun is practically always shining and it hasn’t rained since we moved here.  Those are all good things to me.  

New Year’s Eve should be fun. I read that security is going to be crazy on the strip so we’ll probably leave here early in the afternoon. No bags, no strollers.  Snipers on rooftops.  We are going to Mandalay Bay, House of Blues and not sure if we are driving 1/2 way and taking the monorail or bussing it.  Either way, it’ll be an interesting evening.   

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My friends: Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

March 18th.

Today’s question of the day: What advice were you given?

When I saw the question I was like, oh great. Just what I need. To be reminded of all the times I should have listened to people who knew what they were talking about. Well, things could be a lot worse and I am lucky to be alive.

I am just going to mention a couple of people I should have listened to and I will also mention people I did listen to.

ADVICE GIVEN BY:

  • Dad – when I was happier creating mischief and drinking with my friends in the early 80s. YOU should stay in those computer classes! (the ones I dropped out of.) I could be Bill Gates but I am glad I’m not. Another thing he mentioned more than once: YOU should join the service. Why don’t YOU join the air-force? I could have a career and a home, I also could be dead. I have a job and a roof over my head, it works and despite everything, I feel pretty good today. My dad died February the 24th in 2000.
  • Mom – so many things she wanted for me. One of the many is the blog thing. We had such a good time together and towards the end, it was the best of times. I would say hers were more of suggestions. She died May 1, 2014, worst day of my life.
  • Oma – in the early 80s when I was getting tattoos she said they make me look like a pirate and asked me what I thought they would look like when I was an Oma. These days all the young people that are getting tatted, you think they think about what their tattoos will look like in 20 years? Probably not. I now have what are called vintage tattoos. A young adult told me this.  VINTAGE. WTF?
  • A couple of really good friends – don’t bother calling us until YOU aren’t drunk and being an asshole. Best advice ever!

Pic is of my mom and dad back in 1965. This was taken in Wageningen, Holland.

Questions from: Get It Scrapped! Tami Taylor 365 Questions – a five year journal.

MotIvatIon

I found motivation for writing so I am pretty stoked. 365 questions, one per day. Yay!

I found the questions at the site of, “Get It Scrapped! Tami Taylor 365 Questions – a five year journal.” 

Today’s is for the 16th: Did you seize any opportunities?

I guess small things are better than no things. I took advantage of some extra time and paid my car payment. I bought expensive envelopes ($3.99 for 45 #10 security) because they were out of the lick ones at CVS/Longs.  For some crazy reason I let the Dr. schedule an appointment for a mammogram tomorrow, Friday. I called the mammogram people and told them if they were going to press my b**bs in that scary ass machine I couldn’t deal with it tomorrow. So I postponed it for another week and will ask my Dr. for something to help me deal. Lastly, I did all my laundry. I live in an apartment building and we only have 3 washers and 4 dryers for a lot of people, it’s rare when there is no one in the laundry room.

The photo is the view off of my lanai. It’s Kawainui Marsh and vog around the mountains. 

Turning my frown upside down.

My motto used to be, “life sucks and then you die”. My goal in life used to be getting on disability so I could just drink and people would leave me alone.  I used to go to different doctors to try to get Valium or Xanax and when that didn’t work, I’d order them online and they’d come from overseas.  One day I remember a pill delivery was coming and I missed the guy at the door (I probably passed out). I found the note on the door, ran out to the street and saw him, I literally ran to catch him. This was towards the end of  a couple decades of drinking alcohol on a daily basis for no other purpose than staying drunk, I guess. I was bitter all the time.

After I quit drinking I felt excited every morning for about two years simply because I was waking up without a headache or spending most of the morning in the bathroom vomiting. I had skip in my step. Then slowly the bitterness came back.  I wasn’t drinking but was angry, I wasn’t happy with my environment.  I lived in Seattle and I am uncomfortable in cold weather and when the sky is grey for weeks at a time, I just am pissed all the time because of the  the weather.  I would wake up, watch the news and the weather report would predict my day. Needless to say usually it was bad.

Now it’s about nine years later and even though I live in Hawaii now,  I really have to work on being positive.  I mean, for me – it’s like a full time job. I think I just realized last year that every thought I’m thinking is very important.  Telling myself I’m stupid for forgetting something is not going to make me smarter. It just makes me feel bad and the universe will give me an invisible dunce cap. If I get into a bad mood for any reason, like a shoelace breaking and think to myself: great, the day is ruined, most likely things will go bad the rest of the day. Once I am in a bad mood it’s so hard to get out but it’s my decision to make the change.  I can do it if I try and if I want to be happy, that’s what I want to be and reflect it on others.