Mail Order Mood

It’s unfortunate but true – I enjoy the feeling of Valium and Xanax.  So much so that these days the only way I get to feel that blissful feeling is when I have a procedure that scares me and I request something from my Dr. The last time I had a valium was a few months ago when I was having some dental work done. I cracked up when I picked my prescription up – there was seriously only one tablet in the bottle. I didn’t even know they could prescribe just one. The next time I get to take a Xanax is in a few weeks when I get a colonoscopy, yay!  I don’t know if the Dr. can sense I like these little pills or what – the ass man (colon dr.) only prescribed one Xanax! His reason for picking Xanax instead of Valium is because the effect of Xanax doesn’t last as long as Valium. That was new to me. Bummer.

I used to order Valium and Xanax online.  It was about 14 years ago and I lived in California.  The packages were pretty reliable even though they came all the way from India.  Needless to say, I was taking way too many of those little pills. A few times, days would pass and I would wake up and think it was the same day. I was drinking Smirnoff vodka at the time as well. I am very lucky to be alive. Anyway, I was so addicted to these at the time I would wait for the mail person every day around the time of expected delivery. One day I missed the mail person, he had left a note on the door. I saw him down the street and I literally ran after him, I got my package.


Turning my frown upside down.

My motto used to be, “life sucks and then you die”. My goal in life used to be getting on disability so I could just drink and people would leave me alone.  I used to go to different doctors to try to get Valium or Xanax and when that didn’t work, I’d order them online and they’d come from overseas.  One day I remember a pill delivery was coming and I missed the guy at the door (I probably passed out). I found the note on the door, ran out to the street and saw him, I literally ran to catch him. This was towards the end of  a couple decades of drinking alcohol on a daily basis for no other purpose than staying drunk, I guess. I was bitter all the time.

After I quit drinking I felt excited every morning for about two years simply because I was waking up without a headache or spending most of the morning in the bathroom vomiting. I had skip in my step. Then slowly the bitterness came back.  I wasn’t drinking but was angry, I wasn’t happy with my environment.  I lived in Seattle and I am uncomfortable in cold weather and when the sky is grey for weeks at a time, I just am pissed all the time because of the  the weather.  I would wake up, watch the news and the weather report would predict my day. Needless to say usually it was bad.

Now it’s about nine years later and even though I live in Hawaii now,  I really have to work on being positive.  I mean, for me – it’s like a full time job. I think I just realized last year that every thought I’m thinking is very important.  Telling myself I’m stupid for forgetting something is not going to make me smarter. It just makes me feel bad and the universe will give me an invisible dunce cap. If I get into a bad mood for any reason, like a shoelace breaking and think to myself: great, the day is ruined, most likely things will go bad the rest of the day. Once I am in a bad mood it’s so hard to get out but it’s my decision to make the change.  I can do it if I try and if I want to be happy, that’s what I want to be and reflect it on others.