My thoughts are negative a lot and I don’t like to share that shit. I think talking about the struggle is a little different and easier for me. I got to share about it a little with a co worker the other day. She also mentioned she’s glad she takes medication so she doesn’t have to deal with it. I told her I didn’t like medication because it made me gain a ton of weight and that made me even more depressed or the struggle of getting off of the medication but in the end thought I had was how grateful I was to not be on SSRIs anymore.
So I started thinking about gratitude and how passionate I was about my gratitude back in Vegas and how come I don’t have that same passion for gratitude. We moved and we are definitely not making as much money as we were before and things have been a struggle. On the other hand, we’ve only been here a short time and have jobs and a place to live. I just got a bike the other day so I can ride around all the bike paths at my doorstep. The sun has been out since June started so that’s been a great help on my outlook as I open my eyes. My bf, my health and friends. I could go on and on about things I am thankful for. So, what’s missing?
This morning it hit me and I started cracking up. I always started my “gratitude prayer” (which was addition to writing a list, I need to start that again too) started with – being grateful that I was alive!!! It was so scary to me in Vegas everyday I just was happy to make it through the day. No joke!
My motto used to be, “life sucks and then you die”. My goal in life used to be getting on disability so I could just drink and people would leave me alone. I used to go to different doctors to try to get Valium or Xanax and when that didn’t work, I’d order them online and they’d come from overseas. One day I remember a pill delivery was coming and I missed the guy at the door (I probably passed out). I found the note on the door, ran out to the street and saw him, I literally ran to catch him. This was towards the end of a couple decades of drinking alcohol on a daily basis for no other purpose than staying drunk, I guess. I was bitter all the time.
After I quit drinking I felt excited every morning for about two years simply because I was waking up without a headache or spending most of the morning in the bathroom vomiting. I had skip in my step. Then slowly the bitterness came back. I wasn’t drinking but was angry, I wasn’t happy with my environment. I lived in Seattle and I am uncomfortable in cold weather and when the sky is grey for weeks at a time, I just am pissed all the time because of the the weather. I would wake up, watch the news and the weather report would predict my day. Needless to say usually it was bad.
Now it’s about nine years later and even though I live in Hawaii now, I really have to work on being positive. I mean, for me – it’s like a full time job. I think I just realized last year that every thought I’m thinking is very important. Telling myself I’m stupid for forgetting something is not going to make me smarter. It just makes me feel bad and the universe will give me an invisible dunce cap. If I get into a bad mood for any reason, like a shoelace breaking and think to myself: great, the day is ruined, most likely things will go bad the rest of the day. Once I am in a bad mood it’s so hard to get out but it’s my decision to make the change. I can do it if I try and if I want to be happy, that’s what I want to be and reflect it on others.
This is the second year at our current apartment. Last year we* sort of saw the fireworks in Honolulu through the Ko’olau mountains. This year it was insane, they started early. Loud ass booms that seriously made me scream and jump. My neighbors** were lighting them off in the parking lot next door. They had been selling fireworks out of the back of their white Bronco (which has tags that expired in 2015) so they had a ton of them. Our back window looks over the parking lot and we are on the third floor so I’m always checking out what’s going on out there.
Anyway, they started early and lit off a ton of fireworks. I was sitting on our bed working and the smell of sulfur totally came up into our place. I seriously thought my clothes were going to smell. At midnight we went onto the lanai and watched a bunch go off and by 12:30am, it was quiet. I guess you can get a permit to light them even though they are illegal.
Today was uneventful. We went out to get coffee and all the food places were full of people. I live with my boyfriend in a beach town where tourists visit. Most of the year is busy but winter and summer especially. The town is growing and new stores are opening (and closing) often. I love living here because I feel comfortable being far away from the dog-eat-dog environment on the mainland. In our last place here we didn’t even lock our front door. That’s not saying nothing happens here, theft is huge, especially cars (on an island!?) there are a ton of homless and mentally ill people roaming and living on the streets because there are no facilities for them. They shut them down and meanwhile (I read somewhere yesterday) welfare recipients here average $29 per hour and the state minimum wage just got raised to $9.25 per hour. It was $8.25!!! I have never lived in a place where the state is so sloppily run before but I enjoy the weather and people are beyond friendly.
I am going to prepare for tomorrows work day so I start the new year off right. I’m glad I woke up today. I have a place to live, a positive bank account and food in my fridge. A lot more than some people have.
*When I say we I am referring to my live with boyfriend, Dallas. We’ve been together about 9 years even though I am still married to someone else. We broke up way before I met Dallas and have both been lazy about the divorce.
**I have a bunch because I live in an apartment building. These particular neighbors we call the hillbillies because they have a dad, two adult children, a girlfriend and 4 kids living in a large studio. The mom used to live with them but she left about 6 months ago. My landlord knows but he likes to help people and they are saving to move. They had the money but got robbed. That’s a whole ‘nother story.