SAD and Sad.

I have and I am. I am sad a lot. I miss my mom and dad. They both died – at different times. I missed a lot of my life because I chose to drink instead of living it. I took antidepressants for a while, I didn’t like what they were doing and was afraid of the long term effects after researching them. Now I use natural supplements and they work most of the time, lately not so much.

It’s difficult. Especially now in a new environment. It’s baffling to me how the weather makes such a difference in my mood. It always has though. Today the sun is out and I feel pretty good. This week it snowed then turning into rain most of the week and it’s cold and I’ve been bitter. I just want to lay on the couch and think about all the things I don’t have. I don’t want to do any of the things that will make me feel better about myself. I think about the past and all the things I have done that are mistakes and why did I move? Every freaking day a battle in my brain. It’s tiring and I don’t like it.

But – Today I feel better and the sun is out for now. I have a job, a place to live, food in my fridge, a positive bank account, a kick-ass man who is also my bff, a heater, a yard that I can grown shit in once it stops freezing, amazing friends and family, cannabis and all the little things I have held on to that make me feel good. Oh, I’m healthy! Another really positive thing is I could keep writing about all the things I have gratitude for today so that’s a really good thing!

My friends: Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda

March 18th.

Today’s question of the day: What advice were you given?

When I saw the question I was like, oh great. Just what I need. To be reminded of all the times I should have listened to people who knew what they were talking about. Well, things could be a lot worse and I am lucky to be alive.

I am just going to mention a couple of people I should have listened to and I will also mention people I did listen to.

ADVICE GIVEN BY:

  • Dad – when I was happier creating mischief and drinking with my friends in the early 80s. YOU should stay in those computer classes! (the ones I dropped out of.) I could be Bill Gates but I am glad I’m not. Another thing he mentioned more than once: YOU should join the service. Why don’t YOU join the air-force? I could have a career and a home, I also could be dead. I have a job and a roof over my head, it works and despite everything, I feel pretty good today. My dad died February the 24th in 2000.
  • Mom – so many things she wanted for me. One of the many is the blog thing. We had such a good time together and towards the end, it was the best of times. I would say hers were more of suggestions. She died May 1, 2014, worst day of my life.
  • Oma – in the early 80s when I was getting tattoos she said they make me look like a pirate and asked me what I thought they would look like when I was an Oma. These days all the young people that are getting tatted, you think they think about what their tattoos will look like in 20 years? Probably not. I now have what are called vintage tattoos. A young adult told me this.  VINTAGE. WTF?
  • A couple of really good friends – don’t bother calling us until YOU aren’t drunk and being an asshole. Best advice ever!

Pic is of my mom and dad back in 1965. This was taken in Wageningen, Holland.

Questions from: Get It Scrapped! Tami Taylor 365 Questions – a five year journal.

Illegal fireworks, I think not!

This is the second year at our current apartment. Last year we* sort of saw the fireworks in Honolulu through the Ko’olau mountains. This year it was insane, they started early.  Loud ass booms that seriously made me scream and jump. My neighbors** were lighting them off in the parking lot next door. They had been selling fireworks out of the back of their white Bronco (which has tags that expired in 2015) so they had a ton of them. Our back window looks over the parking lot and we are on the third floor so I’m always checking out what’s going on out there.

Anyway, they started early and lit off a ton of fireworks.  I was sitting on our bed working and the smell of sulfur totally came up into our place. I seriously thought my clothes were going to smell. At midnight we went onto the lanai and watched a bunch go off and by 12:30am, it was quiet. I guess you can get a permit to light them even though they are illegal.

Today was uneventful. We went out to get coffee and all the food places were full of people. I live with my boyfriend in a beach town where tourists visit. Most of the year is busy but winter and summer especially. The town is growing and new stores are opening (and closing) often. I love living here because I feel comfortable being far away from the dog-eat-dog environment on the mainland. In our last place here we didn’t even lock our front door.  That’s not saying nothing happens here, theft is huge, especially cars (on an island!?) there are a ton of homless and mentally ill people roaming and living on the streets because there are no facilities for them. They shut them down and meanwhile (I read somewhere yesterday) welfare recipients here average $29 per hour and the state minimum wage just got raised to $9.25 per hour. It was $8.25!!!  I have never lived in a place where the state is so sloppily run before but I enjoy the weather and people are beyond friendly.

I am going to prepare for tomorrows work day so I start the new year off right. I’m glad I woke up today. I have a place to live, a positive bank account and food in my fridge. A lot more than some people have.

*When I say we I am referring to my live with boyfriend, Dallas.  We’ve been together about 9 years even though I am still married to someone else. We broke up way before I met Dallas and have both been lazy about the divorce.

**I have a bunch because I live in an apartment building. These particular neighbors we call the hillbillies because they have a dad, two adult children, a girlfriend and 4 kids living in a large studio. The mom used to live with them but she left about 6 months ago. My landlord  knows but he likes to help people and they are saving to move. They had the money but got robbed. That’s a whole ‘nother story.