Turning my frown upside down.

My motto used to be, “life sucks and then you die”. My goal in life used to be getting on disability so I could just drink and people would leave me alone.  I used to go to different doctors to try to get Valium or Xanax and when that didn’t work, I’d order them online and they’d come from overseas.  One day I remember a pill delivery was coming and I missed the guy at the door (I probably passed out). I found the note on the door, ran out to the street and saw him, I literally ran to catch him. This was towards the end of  a couple decades of drinking alcohol on a daily basis for no other purpose than staying drunk, I guess. I was bitter all the time.

After I quit drinking I felt excited every morning for about two years simply because I was waking up without a headache or spending most of the morning in the bathroom vomiting. I had skip in my step. Then slowly the bitterness came back.  I wasn’t drinking but was angry, I wasn’t happy with my environment.  I lived in Seattle and I am uncomfortable in cold weather and when the sky is grey for weeks at a time, I just am pissed all the time because of the  the weather.  I would wake up, watch the news and the weather report would predict my day. Needless to say usually it was bad.

Now it’s about nine years later and even though I live in Hawaii now,  I really have to work on being positive.  I mean, for me – it’s like a full time job. I think I just realized last year that every thought I’m thinking is very important.  Telling myself I’m stupid for forgetting something is not going to make me smarter. It just makes me feel bad and the universe will give me an invisible dunce cap. If I get into a bad mood for any reason, like a shoelace breaking and think to myself: great, the day is ruined, most likely things will go bad the rest of the day. Once I am in a bad mood it’s so hard to get out but it’s my decision to make the change.  I can do it if I try and if I want to be happy, that’s what I want to be and reflect it on others.

Bye 2016!

This wasn’t a bad year for me, it wasn’t great. I survived another year, it went by quickly.  I feel like I am still in early 2016. At least I am not alone, a lot of older folks say the same thing. I read the  Scientific American blog about time and it makes sense.

I was shorted on time because I drank a lot. I lost about twenty years and I brought it all on myself.  Major events happened, people died and I had no clue. I quit drinking when I was 42 and it’s been quite interesting since then, probably because I remember!  Every year I feel better so I hope 2017 will continue that way.

I decided to start documenting my journey because it was a suggestion from my beautiful mom, Aaltje. She died May 1st, 2014  at 72 after a 6 year fight with ovarian cancer, worst day of my life.

I like to put things off and I will be working on changing that, it will definitely help with stress & guilty thoughts taking up space in my little brain. Being proactive will also benefit my job, my health and relationships. Writing daily will help with accountability, even if just a few words.

I’m sure a lot of people will be out partying this evening, should be interesting to see and hear fireworks.  They allow fireworks here if you have a permit, I am actually surprised I haven’t heard a lot up to this point.  I park on the street so I am always concerned about random stuff hitting my car.  Be careful everyone, lots of drinking and driving going on out there.

What’s going on with me today?

The sign that points to the police station now says police navidad, haha!! I should have got a photo.

I have been taking Sertraline (Zoloft) for a few years and it’s done what it’s supposed to do (help the real me come out). I was on 100mg and am now down to 50mg.  I did a 25mg taper as suggested by my Dr from 75mg to 50mg, it’s been a week and so far withdrawal symptoms haven’t been as bad as I have read about. Only headaches and some agitation that hasn’t been helped with all this rain. A week and so far so good. I am going to stay on 50mgs for a couple of weeks and then will go to 25mg. Today is actually the first day I haven’t had a headache and I really appreciate that.

I’m cold. It’s probably in the low 70’s but I am in an apartment 3 floors up so that doesn’t help.  It’s been the wettest, coldest winter by far since I’ve lived here.

I had a nice morning, went and did a little shopping and stopped for a nice photo opportunity on the way home.  Oh and Obama is here in my little big town.  We’ve actually had cops at the run-for-your-life cross walk!  They are only here when the President is here, so lame. Screw the pedestrians the rest of the year.

It’s 12/31 so we will be going to get $1.31 ice cream, yay!!

Happy New Year!